Finding the Mender of Broken Dreams
September 26, 2004 Sunday 12:42 PM
When I was a kid, I used to dream about being a scientist, y’know, like the cartooney type of scientist, where you hook up with super heroes, be the brains, beef them up with gadgets an all. Then for the time, I took my straight A’s in elementary. Then came high school, I don’t know where that dream went, maybe somewhere in the mender of broken dream’s workplace. When I was in my high school days, I dreamt of being in a kick ass hard “fuckin” core band, the likes I used to listen to then (til now). So I got to be in a band in high school, but I had no choice but to play stupid songs from e-heads and rivermaya coz according to the so-called “band leader” then, e-heads and rivermaya were chic songs! Now that was a load of crap, so I took on a side project with “talentless” but freakily insane metal dudes. And we rocked though how much our songs ended up as trash (but that was the point anyway). Til the early days of my college life, I was living the rock star lifestyle, sex, drugs, heavy fuckin metal, drugs, heavy metal, sex, drugs, heavy metal. I hooked up with talented metalheads, the best roster that kicked all the other band’s asses here in ZC. There was Ian “big daddy cool” on throat, the twin guitar gods jonjie “patuti” and Charlie “pa-star morgoth why-you-drinking-my-urine” and on slaytanic drums, andre “tsa-piss,pa-tuum”. (*I’ll write something about them in another blog entry coz that would be a long story.) And God saw that it was good, so he took that away. Ian got someone pregnant, so he has to work. He’ is now working in a government agency. Jonjie Also got someone pregnant, so he married and is working as a lead guitarist for some show band, tsk tsk, what a waste of talent. Can’t call him a sell-out though. And Charlie? Guess what, he got someone pregnant too! People back then didn’t know how to wrap their tool, or at least do some banking and withdraw. Andre, well, whatever happened to andre. Got hooked up and became a meth-odist. As for me, I somehow gave up on that dream. Instead, I swallowed my idealisms and became a government slave.
And then there was my sweetest dream of them all—my painapple. And then God saw that it was good, and now He’s going to take her away from me.
Fear always gets the best of her.
Last night, I slept fearing that she’s going to staying away…for a while? I have no idea. This morning, I woke up, and she told me she’s going away…Til when? I have no idea. But I somehow have the feeling that she’s gone already. As much as it hurts me, I can’t be mad at her. I know her reasons. I am not the type that people would actually stand up for y’know. It’s not the first time, so I might as well get used to it right?
I really don’t know. For the first time in my life, I know I am sure that I really love the person. How do I know that? Well…
Last night, I was having a night out with the boys parked in our favorite drinking spot. Then, some chic (ironically) named Nicole in a bike with a friend named “jolah” were strolling around and just came up to me and opened a casual conversation. She was a pretty jailbait, with nice deep dimples, inviting eyes, perky tits, firm ass, about 16, a freshman nursing stud from WMSU, living just around the vicinity from where we park, hangout and drink. I usually can’t tell if someone’s flirting with me, but that was a flagrant flirting mind you, as if she was spraying her pheromones all over. Well the boys went oogling, and flirted with her too, and I just stood there just drinking. I would’ve gotten her number, and boned her right there and then. But I didn’t even put up a decent conversation with her, and I didn’t even bother to get her number. And I was thinking, daaaym, I knew then that I really love my pianapple more than I think I do.
But in life’s twisted divine ironic comedy, my painapple has to stay away from me. I want to fight for her, but she won’t let me, I want her to fight for me, but she can't. I want her to stay, but I know I’ll be asking a great deal from her. I want her to be with me, but I want her to be fine with her family. I am hurt but I can’t be mad at her for being “spineless” as they say. I love her still, and I don’t know if I’ll ever fall out of love even though I know very well that things could be really really difficult.
Marilyn Manson once wrote in his song…”when you love it, it goes away too fast, when you hate it, it always seem to last...just remember, when you think you're free, the crack inside your fuckin' heart is me”.
Dreams were once the best part of me. I wonder where they are now. My painapple is my dream. I wonder where she is right now.
Maybe I am just not cut out for dreams. Maybe I am just not cut out for her, for her family, for my family, for myself, for everything that I dream of. Should i give up dreaming? Just like how every lil kid in the world will eventually let go of their childish desires and face real life. Just like how my dreams went away. And instead keep the nightmares of how life can really get. I still want to dream though. I hope she still holds on to hers. As i am holding on to ours.
I never thought dreams would hurt me this much.
When I was a kid, I used to dream about being a scientist, y’know, like the cartooney type of scientist, where you hook up with super heroes, be the brains, beef them up with gadgets an all. Then for the time, I took my straight A’s in elementary. Then came high school, I don’t know where that dream went, maybe somewhere in the mender of broken dream’s workplace. When I was in my high school days, I dreamt of being in a kick ass hard “fuckin” core band, the likes I used to listen to then (til now). So I got to be in a band in high school, but I had no choice but to play stupid songs from e-heads and rivermaya coz according to the so-called “band leader” then, e-heads and rivermaya were chic songs! Now that was a load of crap, so I took on a side project with “talentless” but freakily insane metal dudes. And we rocked though how much our songs ended up as trash (but that was the point anyway). Til the early days of my college life, I was living the rock star lifestyle, sex, drugs, heavy fuckin metal, drugs, heavy metal, sex, drugs, heavy metal. I hooked up with talented metalheads, the best roster that kicked all the other band’s asses here in ZC. There was Ian “big daddy cool” on throat, the twin guitar gods jonjie “patuti” and Charlie “pa-star morgoth why-you-drinking-my-urine” and on slaytanic drums, andre “tsa-piss,pa-tuum”. (*I’ll write something about them in another blog entry coz that would be a long story.) And God saw that it was good, so he took that away. Ian got someone pregnant, so he has to work. He’ is now working in a government agency. Jonjie Also got someone pregnant, so he married and is working as a lead guitarist for some show band, tsk tsk, what a waste of talent. Can’t call him a sell-out though. And Charlie? Guess what, he got someone pregnant too! People back then didn’t know how to wrap their tool, or at least do some banking and withdraw. Andre, well, whatever happened to andre. Got hooked up and became a meth-odist. As for me, I somehow gave up on that dream. Instead, I swallowed my idealisms and became a government slave.
And then there was my sweetest dream of them all—my painapple. And then God saw that it was good, and now He’s going to take her away from me.
Fear always gets the best of her.
Last night, I slept fearing that she’s going to staying away…for a while? I have no idea. This morning, I woke up, and she told me she’s going away…Til when? I have no idea. But I somehow have the feeling that she’s gone already. As much as it hurts me, I can’t be mad at her. I know her reasons. I am not the type that people would actually stand up for y’know. It’s not the first time, so I might as well get used to it right?
I really don’t know. For the first time in my life, I know I am sure that I really love the person. How do I know that? Well…
Last night, I was having a night out with the boys parked in our favorite drinking spot. Then, some chic (ironically) named Nicole in a bike with a friend named “jolah” were strolling around and just came up to me and opened a casual conversation. She was a pretty jailbait, with nice deep dimples, inviting eyes, perky tits, firm ass, about 16, a freshman nursing stud from WMSU, living just around the vicinity from where we park, hangout and drink. I usually can’t tell if someone’s flirting with me, but that was a flagrant flirting mind you, as if she was spraying her pheromones all over. Well the boys went oogling, and flirted with her too, and I just stood there just drinking. I would’ve gotten her number, and boned her right there and then. But I didn’t even put up a decent conversation with her, and I didn’t even bother to get her number. And I was thinking, daaaym, I knew then that I really love my pianapple more than I think I do.
But in life’s twisted divine ironic comedy, my painapple has to stay away from me. I want to fight for her, but she won’t let me, I want her to fight for me, but she can't. I want her to stay, but I know I’ll be asking a great deal from her. I want her to be with me, but I want her to be fine with her family. I am hurt but I can’t be mad at her for being “spineless” as they say. I love her still, and I don’t know if I’ll ever fall out of love even though I know very well that things could be really really difficult.
Marilyn Manson once wrote in his song…”when you love it, it goes away too fast, when you hate it, it always seem to last...just remember, when you think you're free, the crack inside your fuckin' heart is me”.
Dreams were once the best part of me. I wonder where they are now. My painapple is my dream. I wonder where she is right now.
Maybe I am just not cut out for dreams. Maybe I am just not cut out for her, for her family, for my family, for myself, for everything that I dream of. Should i give up dreaming? Just like how every lil kid in the world will eventually let go of their childish desires and face real life. Just like how my dreams went away. And instead keep the nightmares of how life can really get. I still want to dream though. I hope she still holds on to hers. As i am holding on to ours.
I never thought dreams would hurt me this much.
posted by jeezus krieste at 9:52 PM
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