mindless self indulgence

Strong Words for the Weak Heart

2004-10-09T01:14:00.000-07:00

mindless self indulgence

Painapple: Oh god! I hate you! (01:43:27 am, 09-10-2004)

Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills

2004-10-09T01:08:00.000-07:00

October 9, 2004 Friday 12:47 AM

I went home tonight feeling so bummed. It’s the weekend after a tired long shitty week at work, and decided to go out for a beer. But I haven’t had a good drink for some time now. I just had two tonight and I really wasn’t up to it even though I know how much I’m really really craving for it. I don’t know…maybe something is bothering me…maybe its something like how the Japanese puts it with sa-ke. They believe that sa-ke only tastes good if the person drinking it has a good disposition.
So I went home early to introspect on things.
And this is how I honestly feel:
I am sad. I am sad that there’s definitely something wrong with how things are with me and my painapple lately. I know and understand her situation with her family, but sometimes, most of the time, I believe that it’s a matter of handling it. Today, I haven’t talked or text with her that much. We always end up with lil “tampo” or something. I feel neglected and just plainly taken for granted. Maybe because I let her know that I’m always gonna stick around no matter what. Maybe she’s overconfident with that. And I on the other hand, chose to still be around. I always believe it’s a matter of choice. I just wish she would chose to spare even just a lil of her oh so abundant time for me. But I guess she did/does…its just that today, I only get a one or two-liner reply from her. Not much of a conversation. And it goes without saying “nakaka-walang gana” considering that I haven’t been with her for such a long time and its pretty hard for us to be on the phone, or even sometimes text! I GODDAMN MISS HER! But I feel so pathetic already to always be the one running after her. And I could barely keep up. It’s really a matter of choice on how she could somehow try to be with me, but she chose to believe that she doesn’t have a hand on that matter. And in turn, leaves me with no option or control over that matter. It’s really frustrating, but what can I do? I just love her too much.
Just the other day, I went out for coffee, and I go to Antonio’s for their good brewed coffee. Sometimes, Tanya (aka Tange) would drop by and hang around with me for coffee (being that they kinda own the place). I always talk to her about my painapple, and she’d always talk to me bout her boyfriend, we just exchange and try to comfort each other about our problems. She was just there. There was this one occasion that she let me read her diary when we were having coffee. The thing with Tanya is that we kinda had a history, but not really. I read all about it in her diary, which was both flattering and maddening to read things about me. But it struck me tonight…I could’ve been happy with her, I could’ve learned to love her. I could’ve lived contented with that idea. But I didn’t. I chose not to because it was not her that my heart was crying out for. It was my painapple. And she always, if not most of the times, leaves me hanging. And I just hold on, I simply just do, no questions asked. I just wish she could just learn to appreciate that. Give it a lil credit and a lil respect. Just a lil pat on the back to keep me going. But it doesn’t really matter to me (or does it?)…all I know is that…I just love her…pathetic huh….I’m just a whinny loser.

mindless self indulgence #7

2004-09-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

just lyrically speaking

God Of Lambs

God of Lambs
You took away
Yours sins to the world

No Mercy for us
No Mercy for us
No mercy for us
No fuckin mercy for you...

...as hollow as the "O" in GOD

mindless self indulgence #6

2004-09-30T03:39:00.000-07:00

just lyrically speaking

The Tragedy of White Thoughts on Black Paper/ Wasted

And I heard you say you’re fine again
But I can see that you’re just breathing
So anyway, tell me, are you really living?
You’ve run away to your soul’s suicide
Always in time and again, pain is your drug
Silently slitting your wrist
And you don’t even know it don’t you
And in your rapture of denial
You come crashing down, and it hurts does it
To slowly die in nights when you’re alone
Somewhere between the dreaming and the waking hours

And you’ve killed yourself…didn’t you
And you’ve killed yourself…didn’t you
And you’ve killed yourself…didn’t you
And you fuckin’ killed me too…didn’t you

Did daddy not love you?
Or did he love you just too much
Did he control you?
Did he live right through you at your cost
Did he leave no question for you to answer on your own
Well fuck him, and fuck them, and fuck her, and fuck you
For not having the strength in your heart to pull through
I had doubts, I have failed, I fucked up, I have failed
But that doesn’t mean that I take my life with my own hands

And you’ve killed yourself…didn’t you
And you’ve killed yourself…didn’t you
And you’ve killed yourself…didn’t you
And you fuckin’ killed me too…didn’t you

*The brave may die, but the fearful may not be living at all...thanks STAIND for the extension of my thoughts

Stuck in 9:08 AM

2004-09-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

September 27, 2004 Monday 7:47 PM

It’s only been more than one day only since the last text I got from my painapple. More of the last of anything I ever heard from her. Time stopped since yesterday, 9:08 AM. And every minute eats me up like cancer. Time slowly kills as I’m trying to kill time. I wonder if she’s ok. Is she feeling as lost as I am.? Is she thinking of me as I am always thinking of her? She never said goodbye though. But it feels like it. Why does she have to be so afraid of her dad? Why does she have to hide and run away again after letting all her fears out at home? Why does she have to just somewhat, somehow just throw a good thing away? A thousand and more why’s to God. I don’t even know how I survived the whole day. I still text her the same as usual. The same goodmornings, reminding her not to skip lunch and dinner, that I’m home already, permissions for going out, wishing her day well, same old goodnights, and same old I miss you’s and I love you’s that I wouldn’t let a day pass without letting her know that, even though I know that she won’t even read them. It’s like talking to a person in a coma. I have no idea how she is. An iron curtain fell. I don’t know if her dad got her cellphone or she just decided not to use it to avoid troubles at home. I can’t call her at home. I don’t even know what’s happening to her even through updates in online accounts. Nada, Zit, Nil, Zilch, Naught, Zero, None, Nothing…as such, I am reduced to. I need to go out for a drink tonight. I'm praying that she's just alright. And to my painapple, if you are reading this, i want you to know that i miss you, and i love you. I'm still here, i ain't going nowhere.

mindless self indulgence #5

2004-09-26T03:26:00.000-07:00

just lyrically speaking

Visions Façade in White Wishes

I saw you in your solitary reverie
You were in no one’s room
Under the mist of white kisses
I saw you see me
Through lines and shades of
wantings of you

I saw you in your misery
I was trying to reach out for you
Over someone’s words you closed the casket
I saw you see me
Easily seduced by haunted wishes of
wantings of you

In our own white wishes
We slept and bled
In our own white wishes
We were free and caged
In our own white wishes
I have lost you

I saw you in me
Haunted by the ghost of our stars
I saw you in your freedom of denial
I saw you…
Not seeing me

In our own white wishes
We slept and bled
In our own white wishes
We were free and caged
In our own white wishes
I have lost you

And so this is the part where I dream
Crossed upon the facade of your mirror
That never made through the darkness of your stare
You could’ve saved your love
You could’ve saved yourself
A thousand stabbings of NO

-pls find your way back to me

mindless self indulgence #4

2004-09-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

just lyrically speaking

In A Loft (Black flight of twilight)

I can feel your cold hands, yet I cannot see
Your face to take what is not mine
To the sea of my winter I am washed away
My hallowed antipathy is my salvation

I am taken, as they have you
My forgiveness rests in the unforgiven
I will take as they have you
My sins will be absolved through love’s hate
HATE

Solitude unfolds my wings, I am driven
To take flight in the night’s cold loathing
Plunging into a pit of bitter sweet dreams, I fall
My hallowed antipathy is my salvation

I am taken, as they have you
My forgiveness rests in the unforgiven
I will take as they have you
My sins will be absolved through love’s hate
HATE

I am so alone
Taking my flight
I’ll hate for your love
Taking my flight
I am so alone
Taking my flight
I’ll live for your death
Taking my flight

-To Shelly from Eric Draven...thanks James O'Barr

mindless self indulgence #3

2004-09-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

just lyrically speaking

Selfless (Indecisions Yet)

I missed your indecisions,
so I killed the sun tonight,
wrapped me up in nasty cuts
the songs you played are mine
breathing got tired of me
a tangle of ashes in paper boxes
I’m still waiting for you…

Does it cross your mind at 5 am
Does it cross your mind on a Monday
Do you ever think of me
Or should you be thinking of yourself

You’re always sorry for today
I’m always tired of goodnights
Take a plastic crumpled soul
And sing a song for beggars
A single battery for my heart
I’m still waiting for you…

Does it cross your mind at 5 am
Does it cross your mind on a Monday
Do you ever think of me
Or should you be thinking of yourself

I’m eating out of my head
I’m thinking out of my mouth
Stay in the point of safe return
Stay within the light
Let me dance among the shadows
Let me wait for your goodnight

Does it cross your mind at 5 am
Does it cross your mind on a Monday
Do you ever think of me
Or should you be thinking of yourself

-For my painapple, wish she could live without her pain...i love you

mindless self indulgence #2

2004-09-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

just lyrically speaking

Veiled Serenities

You acted as if you didn’t know
I pretended to be amused in your ignorance
And things were buried in pretense
What I would’ve wanted you to see
The words that you didn’t want to hear

So under the skies of your tears
We drowned in our shortcomings
Shattered like air we promised
Holding back ourselves to the obvious
Crippled souls we are in the mirror

It’s over and we are swept apart
It’s over and we are swept apart
It’s over and we are swept apart

And in our veiled serenties
We surrender to holding on
To another chance at goodbye

-For Pam, thank you for the years...always looking back and learning from it

mindless self indulgence #1

2004-09-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

just lyrically speaking

Jesus' Song (Hands That Touched My Face)

Swallow shards of broken pride
I have sworn on nights I felt your hand
Burying the only thing I can see in you
I have severed myself from everything that I’ve always known it to be…

So you think I can spare you my sympathy now

Chasing your shadow away
(I don’t want to be like you)
Broken down alone defray
(I don’t want to be like you)
Time forgotten ill decay
(I don’t want to be like you)

Memories concealed inside
I have cried on nights I felt your hand
Taking refuge in broken down’s darkest hue
I have severed myself from everything I want to have known it to be…

So you think I can spare you my sympathy now

Chasing your shadow away
(I don’t want to be like you)
Broken down alone defray
(I don’t want to be like you)
Time forgotten ill decay
(I don’t want to be like you)

So you think I can spare you my sympathy now
When your hands touched my face
So you think I can spare you my sympathy now
When your hands touched my face
So you think I can spare you my sympathy now
When your hands touched my face

Fuck You

- for my dad who never was

Finding the Mender of Broken Dreams

2004-09-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

September 26, 2004 Sunday 12:42 PM

When I was a kid, I used to dream about being a scientist, y’know, like the cartooney type of scientist, where you hook up with super heroes, be the brains, beef them up with gadgets an all. Then for the time, I took my straight A’s in elementary. Then came high school, I don’t know where that dream went, maybe somewhere in the mender of broken dream’s workplace. When I was in my high school days, I dreamt of being in a kick ass hard “fuckin” core band, the likes I used to listen to then (til now). So I got to be in a band in high school, but I had no choice but to play stupid songs from e-heads and rivermaya coz according to the so-called “band leader” then, e-heads and rivermaya were chic songs! Now that was a load of crap, so I took on a side project with “talentless” but freakily insane metal dudes. And we rocked though how much our songs ended up as trash (but that was the point anyway). Til the early days of my college life, I was living the rock star lifestyle, sex, drugs, heavy fuckin metal, drugs, heavy metal, sex, drugs, heavy metal. I hooked up with talented metalheads, the best roster that kicked all the other band’s asses here in ZC. There was Ian “big daddy cool” on throat, the twin guitar gods jonjie “patuti” and Charlie “pa-star morgoth why-you-drinking-my-urine” and on slaytanic drums, andre “tsa-piss,pa-tuum”. (*I’ll write something about them in another blog entry coz that would be a long story.) And God saw that it was good, so he took that away. Ian got someone pregnant, so he has to work. He’ is now working in a government agency. Jonjie Also got someone pregnant, so he married and is working as a lead guitarist for some show band, tsk tsk, what a waste of talent. Can’t call him a sell-out though. And Charlie? Guess what, he got someone pregnant too! People back then didn’t know how to wrap their tool, or at least do some banking and withdraw. Andre, well, whatever happened to andre. Got hooked up and became a meth-odist. As for me, I somehow gave up on that dream. Instead, I swallowed my idealisms and became a government slave.
And then there was my sweetest dream of them all—my painapple. And then God saw that it was good, and now He’s going to take her away from me.

Fear always gets the best of her.

Last night, I slept fearing that she’s going to staying away…for a while? I have no idea. This morning, I woke up, and she told me she’s going away…Til when? I have no idea. But I somehow have the feeling that she’s gone already. As much as it hurts me, I can’t be mad at her. I know her reasons. I am not the type that people would actually stand up for y’know. It’s not the first time, so I might as well get used to it right?
I really don’t know. For the first time in my life, I know I am sure that I really love the person. How do I know that? Well…
Last night, I was having a night out with the boys parked in our favorite drinking spot. Then, some chic (ironically) named Nicole in a bike with a friend named “jolah” were strolling around and just came up to me and opened a casual conversation. She was a pretty jailbait, with nice deep dimples, inviting eyes, perky tits, firm ass, about 16, a freshman nursing stud from WMSU, living just around the vicinity from where we park, hangout and drink. I usually can’t tell if someone’s flirting with me, but that was a flagrant flirting mind you, as if she was spraying her pheromones all over. Well the boys went oogling, and flirted with her too, and I just stood there just drinking. I would’ve gotten her number, and boned her right there and then. But I didn’t even put up a decent conversation with her, and I didn’t even bother to get her number. And I was thinking, daaaym, I knew then that I really love my pianapple more than I think I do.
But in life’s twisted divine ironic comedy, my painapple has to stay away from me. I want to fight for her, but she won’t let me, I want her to fight for me, but she can't. I want her to stay, but I know I’ll be asking a great deal from her. I want her to be with me, but I want her to be fine with her family. I am hurt but I can’t be mad at her for being “spineless” as they say. I love her still, and I don’t know if I’ll ever fall out of love even though I know very well that things could be really really difficult.

Marilyn Manson once wrote in his song…”when you love it, it goes away too fast, when you hate it, it always seem to last...just remember, when you think you're free, the crack inside your fuckin' heart is me”.

Dreams were once the best part of me. I wonder where they are now. My painapple is my dream. I wonder where she is right now.

Maybe I am just not cut out for dreams. Maybe I am just not cut out for her, for her family, for my family, for myself, for everything that I dream of. Should i give up dreaming? Just like how every lil kid in the world will eventually let go of their childish desires and face real life. Just like how my dreams went away. And instead keep the nightmares of how life can really get. I still want to dream though. I hope she still holds on to hers. As i am holding on to ours.

I never thought dreams would hurt me this much.

Time Space Warp..Ngayon Din!!!

2004-09-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

September 23, 2004 Thursday 11:01 PM

I’m typing my day’s account with a sombrero and a ukulele resting on my lap while texting with my painapple and listening to Richard Cheese’s lounge jazz version of “Down with the Sickness”, and I think my roomie is thinking that I am weird…

Day 1 (hamana hamana hamana hamana hamana hamana)

Pawlow’s log—2:30 am: I set off home to the bus terminal after getting off the phone with my painapple who dozed off on me a while ago in the name of sweet vengeance (isn’t that right hun? :p)…thus the strange and odd travel began…the bus left at around 3 am, and I was first heading off to the distant land of the amphibious kangaroos (Ipil, Zamboanga Sibugay) to get some stuff. I was doing well when the journey started off…listening to 80’s rock ballads on my mp3 player, feeling sentimental, and texting my painapple til I lose network coverage…then strange things started to happen…maybe they are omens of the end of the world! (gasp)…I could hear fuma lei-ar (the freaky alien head in shaider who lays “halimaw” eggs through his mouth—talk about anatomic perversion) saying to I-da “EEEEE-DAAAA, Taym Speys Warp, ngayon deeeeen!!!”, and a presentiment or forewarning voice in my head just like the freaky ghost in pet semetary saying “don’t go there, the ground is sour!!!”…and indeed, I think I just passed through a worm hole of time space warp madness!!! For when I arrived in Ipil, I saw a huge billboard ad of P.P. Boy men’s underwear (WTF?!) who’s model looked like someone from a cheap escort service for desperate fags! Then when I got to the hotel, the entrance was at the back exit!!! Talk about upside down days! I was climbing a flight of stairs to the function room when I saw the ugliest mangy mongrel I have ever seen in my entire life (picture a hybrid crossover of a pug, a hyena and mahal) frolicking without care on the 3rd floor of the hotel!!! Then while they were setting up breakfast, the hotel crew were playing a whole freakin’ album of the Jaboom Twins! Oh the hell I was in! I swear that I could feel satan just around the bend. To make matters worse, the coffee was really bad! Not to mention breakfast too! If God (sorry for using thy name, but I don’t intend to blaspheme) were to have an 11th commandment, He would say “thou shalt not book thyself in Mandarin Hotel in Ipil, Zamboanga Sibugay, for thou art a son of God lest thou art fucked up in thy head”. After that horrible morning in Ipil, I set off to my destination, the municipality of Kalawit, as I have come to know, is the South of Heaven. During the course of my trip, I somehow managed to turn my spine into a pretzel knot from squeezing in and trying to be comfy with the other passengers in the utility van. Oh you think I am in the 7th layer of hell already? Not quite my dear reader. There is something more beyond that! Imagine yourself squeezed into an aircon(NOT!) passenger van, and the one beside you smells like a thousand dead camels! And you can’t help but allow that amir of the dessert smell waft into your nostrils and stick to your brain. Oh the pungent stench! The reek of putrefaction! Oh the horror emanating from that person’s pits! The humanity I tell you! So as I have endured such a journey, as if it couldn’t get any worst. It rained so freakin hard and I was stuck in a shed for quite a while waiting for the talented habal-habal drivers and their acrobatic stunt crew/passengers to take me to the field office. But as you know how my luck was running, they all decided not to show up, so I had to trek the upward trail and soft ground that almost ate my shoes up! And so I realized that I am in for a horrific immersion in the land of KALAWIT (chan-chan CHAAAAAN!!!).

Day 2 (dementia praecox)

Seemingly maddened by fresh air, constant downpour and insects yet unnamed by discovery and nat-geo people, I have succumbed to insanity…I found refuge and entertainment in catching and throwing ants into their doom, into the pits of the ant-lion’s pit!!! Ahh, they have become my pets, but alas, the frayed ends of my sanity gave. So I got threads made of accumulated dust and cobwebs from dirty walls’ hidden corners and used them as a line to fish out my beloved pets, the ant-lions! I threw down a thread to their sandy pits and waited for them to bite it thinking they it was ant feeding time, and pull them out of their sand home…oh how I miss the neon panaflex signboards…help me…’asan na ang kabihasnaaaaaan…help me…help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! (drools rabidly and curls up in a dark corner)…only in the land of KALAWIT (chan-chan-CHAAAAAN!!!).

Day 3 (nganu man binisaya na pud ku! Pastilan gyud uy! Yawa-a!)

I have accomplished my objectives in KALAWIT (chan-chan-CHAAAAAN!!!), so I am off to IPIL (tuni-ninu-tuni-ninu-tuni-ninu) to give a session tomorrow in monitoring and evaluation (I, being the Regional Monitoring and Evaluation Officer…duh) to the newly hired workers of a World Bank Funded Project (sounds fancy noh?). So it may be that I am a masochist of some sort, consenting to subject myself to such torture, such adversity, such agonizing, such…ay ewan! Basta yun na yun!...at least I know that it’s a more developed rural environment than KALAWIT (chan-chan-CHAAAAAN!!!)…ok, ok, I think I’m overdoing that already, hahaha…I can’t wait to see my painapple :) i bet she’s still sleeping by now, and its 10:30 am already, she’s my fairy tale, my sleeping beauty, coz she’s always asleep half of the day! Hahahaha (luv yah hun)<-- the quickest way to make bawi :p hahaha…

Day 4 (Hotel 666)

9:00 AM perplexity

Thoughts:

***I decided to go for a walk and get some instant coffee (neeees-kafey, one good day coming ahaaaap!) coz the hotel coffee was freakin bad (I have this inner “coffee connoisseur” in me that I haven’t really tapped yet).***

Setting: In a crude-hepa-prone-looking carinderia just one block away from the hotel

Thursdays with Manang:

Me: Manang, usa ka kape

Manang: Usa ka kape ug?

Me: kape lang, wala na ku kwarta, pubri lang kami

Manang: Bakakun di-ay ka, dili ka taga-diri noh? Barok ang imuhang bisaya

Me: Dili ku bakakun manang ha, makasabot ug maka-storya gane ku bisaya, dili lang gane flo-went

Manang: (while serving the coffee cup, hot water, sugar, and instant coffee sachet--neeees-kafe , one good day coming ahaaaap!) Unsay flo-went?

Me: Ambut lang, basta in-ana na ana..hehe (poured too much hot water in the cup)..Ayyy, Yawa jude!Pastilan!
Manang: Na, na-unsa man ka diha! Gusto ba nimu ko-kes para sa pamahaw?

Me: Dili na lang manang, kape lang pud ug sigarilyo pwede na…salamat

Thoughts:

(Close my eyes) There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home (clicks the heels of ruby slippers)

Nascentes Morimur --from the moment we are born, we die

2004-09-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

September 17, 2004 Friday 9:08 AM

Last night:
I went out for a drink because I was feeling so bummed from a tough day. Things at the office got me in a short fuse (the PC at my work station would just boot but wont go to the logon interface…I only get a blackscreen and a fuckin mouse pointer which I can move to my hearts content). Things didn’t get any better either when I got home! Oh the nagging! My mom (though how much I love her) is the divine queen of the nags! (does that make me royalty?) She could nag 50,000 unpleasants in 3 minutes under!...So as it went on like nothing could go any more wrong than it has, I got a call from someone that I didn’t wanna be bothered with! Aaaaaargh! She wanted to hook up for a stand, and I didn’t want to! Call me a traitor to the male species (and i am not gay ayt?), but I really didn’t want to go for it! First of all, I do not love her! I love a fruit called painapple (and yes, she can be really fruity an a pain in the arse, haha). Second is, I don’t think I will really be “up” for a “stand” considering a terrible day that I was having. But I still needed a drink badly so I still went to the only place I go to when I wanna drink, even though I know that there’s a big possibility I could chance upon ms. X’mas fling there. So I called up my buddy tang’s (aka tange, Tanya, prospected bassist for a band named PUTAKTE and demented rakista who's afraid of beetles) to keep me company with her cousins so as not to give an opening for any chance to go for a stand tonight. But what really saved my day was that I saw painapple! I was wearing that silly grin that I have everytime I talk or text her or just plainly think about her. She walked into the bar and I got that slow motion thingie I get everytime I see her (they say it only happens when you are inlove with that person). And after that, things went on fast forward coz I saw her brothers and her mum with a bunch of the beautiful people of zamboanga. The thing is, that night, I was the one afraid for her (coz she can’t really see me and be with me coz of my future in-law, dada nonoy) that when she came up to me and said “hi”, all I that came out of me was a constipated “oi”, and I wasn’t even able to look at her! God that was the most stupidest thing that ever came out of me! But she did come up to me, and I was somehow both scared for her and happy that my painapple was not that afraid at that time (coz she’s always afraid y’know). I wonder what she had at the party that she attended, she should eat more of those :p haha…so I spent the night enjoying my beer, laughing with tange, and smelling my painapple in the air like Christmas! I couldn’t turn my head to get a glimpse of her (and no, I don’t have a stiff neck as tange what was teasing me) that often coz her brothers might suspect something (now I’m the one being paranoid instead of her)… so after getting my beer buzz for the night, I hurried home, drove passed by painapple’s house just in case I get to have a glimpse of her from the windows (hopefully naked :p haha)..and then we talked over the line for a long time til the wee hours of the morning (which was a rare case nowadays since dada nonoy kinda found out about things), and the best-est-est-est part of all, she said “I love you”! three times!!! (now that’s a rare thing) and she said something which was a first and hopefully not the last as she said it will be) hehe…but I dozed off on her before i found out that she said that, and I woke up feeling pissed at myself for not being up on that moment (and it was a moment!) but at the same time waking up to layers and layers of cloud nines…

This morning:
Today will be the beginning of my series of first days…today I will write a complete unadulterated account of my days…I have to get rid of my fundamental ability to be loathsome…after all, wanting to die is a reason to live ;)